Stoned: Total Nonsense
by TakerTakeMe
Summary: COMPLETE! The title says it all! Two stoned wrestlers set out to get revenge on one Legend Killer. They meet some other wrestlers on the way... Join them on their quest!
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

"I'm bored!"

"Me too!"

"We should do something."

"I know! Let's make a sex tape."

"We could be directors!"

"The hottest directors in Hollywood!"

"Have you seen _One Night In Paris_?"

"Yep. Let's name this _One Night In Randy_."

Evil laugh. "Now what guy are we going to get to screw Randy Orton?"

"Gene Snitsky!"

"Oh hell, that's mean!"

"So what! Randy Orton is a little bitch."

"You're soooo right!" Puffs on homemade blunt. Blows out smoke. "Dude, you gotta hit this."

"What the hell are you smoking?"

"You know that fake grass that comes in Easter baskets?"

"Don't tell me..."

"Easter basket grass covered in chocolate syrup, rolled in the paper from a brown bag."

"You're a dumb ass...but let me hit that though."

Passes homemade blunt. "So are you gonna call up Gene Snitsky or should I?"

Coughs uncontrollably.

"You ok?" Slaps companion on the back. "You have to exhale. You can't keep that smoke inside."

Cough. "This is some-" (cough) "-toxic shit, dude."

"Duuuude, I know!"

"Duuuuuuude!"

"Duuuuuuuuuuuude!"

"Dude infinity! I win!" Blows raspberry.

"Let's find Snitsky."

"First let me finish smoking this blunt."

"Ok, then we'll find Snitsky."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Batista saw the two best friends walking up to him with glazed, red eyes. He turned around quickly and tried to get away before they saw him but it was to no avail. They were at his side in seconds.

"Batistaaaa! Mr. Champ-i-on! Wazzup!"

"Whass crack-a-lackin, my nizzle?"

"Er..." Batista raised an eyebrow. _Crack-a-lackin?_ "Nothing much."

"So listen up, Mr. Champ-i-on."

"We _needs _your assistance for a second."

"A nanosecond."

"A millisecond."

"A centimeter."

"A millimeter."

"Guys?" Batista asked. "What do you need my help with?"

"Ya seen Gene Snitsky around?"

"Big ugly guy, fucked up face?"

"Guys, this is Smackdown," Batista said. "I don't think Snitsky would be around here because he's a Raw superstar, remember?"

"Oh yeah."

"We're thinking about the wrong show."

"So if we can't get Snitsky to screw Orton, who can we get?"

"Who wants to screw Randy? That prick!"

"Might I suggest Heidenreich?" Batista said, trying to think of something to get them away from him.

"Heiden-roach?"

"Roachy-roach?"

"Roachy-roach _roach_."

"Roach, roach, roach, roach."

"Roach infinity! I win!"

"See you guys around," Batista said, backing away.

"No, wait!"

"We want to offer you something for helping us."

"We know we're not well-liked around here."

"But you helped us anyway."

"So..."

"We'd like to..."

"Extend..."

"The Peace Pipe."

"The Peace Pipe?" Batista wondered.

"Duuuude, we don't actually have a pipe."

"Cuz pipes are for crackheads."

"But we have a blunt..."

"Made of Easter grass and chocolate syrup..."

"Wrapped in brown bag goodness..."

"Ready to light up! So what do you say?"

"I don't smoke," Batista said carefully.

"Duuuude! You have no clue what you're missing!"

"You're missing a lot!"

"Getting high off artificial blunts is cool!"

"Really cool!"

"The coolest!"

"Cool infinity! I win!"

"Ok, maybe I'll take just one puff," Batista said, giving in. He wondered how it felt to feel so loose and relaxed.

"Once you puff..."

"You'll never have enough..."

"So puff!"

"If you're tough..."

"I'm the toughest!" Batista grabbed their "peace offering" and took a puff. Immediately, he was dizzy. He started coughing.

"Dude, like I was telling this assclown earlier, you _totally_ have to exhale. Ex-hale."

"Like, breathe out!"

Cough, cough. "What do you call this freaky combination?"

"Wonder Weed. With artificial grass. And chocolate. Rolled with a brown bag."

"It's the magic blunt. Hee, hee."

Cough, cough. "Cool." Batista's eyes were red now, too, and a bit glazed over.

"Yeah, you're a member of our crew now."

"Yah! Our, like, stoner's club."

"Stoned! It rocks!"

"Totally. On totally harmless stuff."

"Totally."

"Totally _totally_."

"Totally infinity! I win!"

"You guys are asses," Batista said. He took another puff of the Wonder Weed. "Let's go find Heidenreich."

"Heiden-roach."

"Roachy-roach."

"Roachy-roach _roach_."

"Roach, roach, roach, roach."

"Roach infinity! I win!" Batista exclaimed.

Then the three of them were off to find Heiden-roach.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**A/N: Yeah! Revealing the two mystery stoners this chapter!**

"We're off to see the roachy..."

"The wonderful roachy of Oz."

"Oh, Heiden-roach! Where _are_ you?"

The trio of stoned folks walked down the hall, singing and yelling, laughing and just being utterly and obnoxiously dumb.

JBL saw the trio coming and ran for his life.

Not quick enough, unfortunately.

"JBL, old buddy," Batista said, patting him on the back in a friendly manner. "What's happenin' in the 'hood, homey?"

"Batista," JBL acknowledged. He looked at the other two. "Booker T. Christian." _What an unlikely trio_, he thought.

"That's Captain Cha-_ris_-ma to you, buddy," Christian said. "Double C."

"And I'm the five-time, five-time... Hold." Booker paused to take a puff on the blunt. He exhaled the smoke in JBL's face, causing JBL to cough. "...The five-time WCW champion."

"Pass that shit, yo," Batista said, laughing. He grabbed it, puffed on it, coughed. "Want some?" he asked, holding it in front of JBL.

"I don't smoke. I'm a great American!" JBL said angrily.

"Ok, Jolly Big Loser, suit yourself," Batista said with a shrug.

"Soooo, have you seen Heiden-roach?" Christian asked.

"Heiden_reich_?" JBL asked.

"Heiden-roach!" Christian said impatiently.

"Roachy-roach," Booker said.

"Roachy-roach roach," Christian said.

"Roach, roach, roach, roach," Booker went on.

"Roach infi-" Christian began, as usual, but _this_ time he was interrupted.

"Roach infinity! _I _win!" Batista interrupted.

"Ha!" Booker said, grinning at Christian.

Christian glared at Batista.

JBL looked at the stoned trio like they were crazy. And they were.

"So can you..."

"...answer..."

"...our question?"

"Heidenreich was in the cafeteria last time I saw him," JBL answered. "Now, is that all?"

"We know we're not well-liked around here," Christian began.

"But, despite our reputation, you helped us," Booker said.

Both Booker and Christian looked at Batista.

Batista took the hint and looked solemnly at JBL. "We would like to thank you for helping us. To you, JBL, we extend The Peace Pipe."

JBL raised his eyebrows. "The Peace Pipe?"

"We don't really have a pipe."

"Cuz pipes are for crackheads."

"And we're totally not crackheads."

"Totally not."

"What do you say, JBL?"

"I don't smoke. I'm a great American!" JBL exclaimed.

"You guys know what this means?" Booker asked sadly.

"Yeah. JBL isn't tough enough-" Christian started.

"-to take one puff," Batista finished.

"I really looked up to you."

"You were my role model."

"You've destroyed my dreams."

"You're not tough enough."

"You're a wimp."

"Is this how a great American really acts?"

"Give me _that_!" JBL ordered. He grabbed the blunt and took a long drag on it. Immediately, he was dizzy. "What's in this shit?"

"Chocolate syrup."

"Easter basket grass."

"All rolled up with brown paper bag."

JBL took another drag. "Awesome." They started walking. "And _never_ question my American-ism-ivity... Is that a word?"

"Welcome to our stoner's crew..."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

The group of four happy stoners made their way to the cafeteria, brutally murdering Chris Jericho's "Don't You Wish You Were Me" in the process.

"You guys need to shut the hell up," The Undertaker said, coming up behind the singing group. _What a weird little foursome. Quartet. Whatever._

They all turned around to face him.

"How ya livin' Deadman?"

"Wazzup?"

"Whass crack-a-lackin' my nizzle?"

"I'm a great American."

"Just trying to mentally prepare for my match against Randy Orton," Taker replied, eyeing them all curiously. _Are they high?_ he wondered. _Even this dipshit JBL?_

"Randy Orton? Ha!"

"We got his number tonight!"

"As soon as we find Heidenreich!"

"Heiden-_roach_!" Christian corrected.

"What's Heidenreich gonna do?" Taker asked.

"We're gonna make Heiden-_roach_..." Christian corrected.

"Screw that little bitch Randy Orton..." Booker continued.

"Right in the ass," Batista finished.

"Ewww! Cool!" JBL exclaimed.

"That's wicked and evil," Taker said, shaking his head. "But get it on film."

"Most definitely. We're making a movie."

"Calling it _One Night In Randy_."

"Starring Randy Orton and Heiden-roach."

"I'm a great American."

"Maybe you should call it _One Night In Randy's Fanny_," Taker laughed. He shook his head and started to walk away.

"Wait!"

Taker turned back around.

"We know we're not well-liked around here..."

"But, despite our lack of popularity, you helped us out..."

"By coming up with a new title for our movie..."

"For that, we would like to..."

"Extend."

"The."

"Peace."

"Pipe."

"The Peace Pipe?" Taker asked. He raised an eyebrow. "Y'all boys around here doing crack?"

"We don't _really_ have a _pipe_."

"Cuz _pipes_ are for crackheads."

"And we're definitely..."

"...not crackheads."

"But..."

"...we..."

"...have..."

"...this..."

JBL pulled out the blunt, held it out to Taker.

"Take it, Taker," they all whispered.

"Smoke me," the blunt chimed in. "_Taker, take me_!"

"What's in it?" Taker wanted to know.

"Chocolate syrup."

"Easter grass."

"Wrapped with brown paper bag."

"Delicious... Take a _puff_ if you're _tough_."

"Ah, what the hell?" Taker grabbed it and started puffing away. He felt the immediate dizziness wash over him.

"Let's find Heiden-roach and get this show on the road!"

And the five of them headed for the cafeteria.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews, "Cherry Vanilla" and "surroundedkid". They're greatly appreciated. I know this story makes no sense at all, hence the title Stoned: Total Nonsense. I'm sure you guys are wondering if I'm stoned when I'm writing this but I promise I'm 100 percent drug free:-)**

The five stoned wrestlers made their way into the cafeteria singing a song they had made up on the way.

"Randy Orton will be Heiden-roach's little slut!"

"He'll beg Heiden-roach to probe his butt!"

"He'll scream for mercy but love the pain."

"We'll have him on film going insane."

"This is for _America!_ We'll run a _train!_"

Booker, Christian, Batista, and Taker looked at JBL like he was mentally challenged when he made the "train" comment.

"What can I say? I want in on the action," JBL said with a slight shrug. "I..._swing that way_."

Taker shuddered. "Don't _ever_ walk behind me again," he warned JBL.

"Everyone cover your asses! JBL might attack!"

"Cover your asses! No one's asshole is safe!"

"Bring out the heavy artillery! We need maximum protection!"

"You guys..." JBL whined. "Pass me the damn blunt."

The five dudes looked around the crowded cafeteria, wondering where Heiden-roach was. But it was so crowded, they couldn't see him anywhere.

"Someone has to climb on top of a table and look for Heiden-roach," Christian stated matter-of-factly.

Suddenly, all eyes in the group were on Batista, whom JBL had just passed the blunt to.

Batista slowly stopped puffing on the blunt and looked at them all. "Whaaaat?"

"You gotta do it, man," Booker said.

"You gotta do it."

"You gotta do it."

"You gotta do it."

"Ok! Damn you all, I understand!" Batista shouted. He took a long drag on the blunt, then coughed and wheezed a little. Then he stood up straight with a determined look on his face. "I'm ready."

"Go Batista!" Christian said encouragingly when Batista passed him the blunt and started climbing on the table. "Tell us where Heiden-roach is."

"Don't look down," Taker warned, snatching the blunt from Christian.

"Cuz it's a looooong way to the bottom," Booker said. "Three feet is a hell of a lot of distance."

"Nice ass," JBL said when Batista made it to the top.

"Thanks... Hey!" Batista exclaimed, glaring at him. "You're a freak, JBL. Makes me wonder what you do with the horns on your limo..."

JBL smiled innocently. "You have no idea..."

"Can you see Heiden-roach?" Christian asked.

"Hold on a sec." Batista looked around the crowded cafeteria. "Yeah, there he is! Over there by the exit, talking to Eddie Guerrero!"

"Well what are we waiting for?" Taker asked.

"He's right! Let's..."

"...get..."

"...over..."

"...there..."

Taker, Christian, Booker, and JBL took off running over towards the exit. Batista jumped from table to table, smashing tables in the process. Everyone looked at them like they were crazy.

When they reached the exit and Eddie Guerrero, Heiden-roach was nowhere in sight.

"I thought you said he was over here!" Christian exclaimed, glaring at Batista.

"He was," Batista said.

"Maybe..."

"...he..."

"...left..."

"Maybe we should just ask Eddie," Taker suggested. He was still holding the blunt. He took a puff and coughed a little.

The five wrestlers made a circle around Eddie and started closing in on him.

"Um, guys?" Eddie said nervously. "What the hell is going on?"

"Your..."

"...help..."

"...would..."

"...be..."

"...appreciated..."

"What do you need my help with?" Eddie asked curiosly.

"Where..." Booker began.

"...did..." Taker continue.

"...Heiden-roach..." Christian said.

"...go?" JBL finished.

"Amigo?" Batista added for good measure.

"Heidenreich? Oh, he went to see someone," Eddie said.

"Who..."

"...did..."

"...he..."

"...go..."

"...see?"

"He went to see Ken Kennedy," Eddie said. "Kennedy!"

"Kennedy infinity!" JBL said as Booker opened his mouth to start the usual repitition game.

"Cheater," Christian muttered.

JBL smiled smugly. "I'm a great American. I _never_ cheat."

Eddie tried to get away but noticed that he was still in the middle of the tight circle.

"Thanks for your help."

"It's most greatly appreciated."

"We're not popular but you helped us anyway."

"For that, we'd like to extend The Peace Pipe."

"But we don't have a real pipe."

"Why not?" Eddie asked.

"Cuz pipes are for crackheads."

"And we're not crackheads."

"But we do like getting high off weird stuff."

"And, made with Easter grass and chocolate syrup, wrapped in brown bag heaven..."

"This is definitely some weird stuff!"

"Say no more, amigos," Eddie said, reaching for the blunt. Taker handed it to him and he took a long drag on it and coughed until his eyes were red and watery. "Ah, now this is what I call a good blunt."

"Welcome..."

"...to..."

"...our..."

"...stoner's..."

"...crew..."

"I feel really loved," Eddie said happily.

"That's great. Now let's find Heiden-roach!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**A/N: Thanks for reviewing, Mistress Martin! Yeah, this story is pretty weird even to me but I promise I am _not stoned_!**

Booker, Christian, Batista, JBL, Taker, and Eddie crowded around the door to Ken Kennedy's locker room with glazed, red eyes. They were trying to come up with a game plan.

"Our major goal is to find Heiden-roach," Christian stated. "So how are we gonna do that?"

"We just bust down the door and walk in," Taker said. "Duh."

"Yeah, fa sho," Booker said, nodding his head approvingly.

"So the _new_ question is... Who are we gonna get to break the door down?" Eddie asked.

Once again, all eyes were on Batista, who was staring off into space puffing on the blunt. He looked deep in thought, remembering a recent conversation he'd had with someone...

_**IN BATISTA'S MIND:**_

_"Hey baby, you didn't call me last night. Something up?"_

_"Nothing's up, Lita. When are you gonna dump Edge and come to SmackDown with me?"_

_"No time soon, unfortunately."_

_"You enjoy toying with me, don't you?"_

_"I'm not toying with you, Dave. I just can't _come_ right now."_

_"But you could when we were on that airplane, huh?"_

_"I told you never to mention that!"_

_Batista sighed. "You can't handle The Animal..."_

_**BACK OUTSIDE K.K.'S LOCKER ROOM**_

"_Hello_! Batista!" Taker said, waving a hand in front of Batista's face.

"Dave!" Eddie said. "_Mi amigo_!"

"Batista, my nizzle! Earth to Batista!" Booker said.

"JBL, would you like to...do the honors?" Christian asked.

"It would be my _pleasure_," JBL answered. He reached out and started rubbing Batista's ass.

"Ay, man, what the _fuck_ are you doing?" Batista asked, startled. "I thought I told you I don't like men that way!"

"Just needed to get your attention," JBL said, grinning as he backed away slowly.

"We need you to break down this door," Christian said.

"Cuz Heiden-roach might be inside," Eddie explained.

"Fine. Just don't put your grimy fingers on my ass again or there will be consequences!" Batista said, glaring at JBL, who was still grinning from ear to ear.

"Stand back! There's a _hurricane_ coming through!" Taker sang as Batista walked a few feet away and then charged full speed at the door.

The door broke down upon impact, and Batista tumbled into the room. The others trudged in behind him, but they all stopped short as they saw what was happening in the room.

Booker's wife Sharmell was bent over the edge of a couch. Ken Kennedy was behind her spanking her like there was no tomorrow. And, obviously, she was enjoying it.

"More!" she yelled.

"What's my name?" Ken yelled.

"Ken!" Sharmell moaned. "Kennedy!"

"Kennedy!" Ken added in that weird way he always did, smirking as he said it. "And don't you forget it!"

"What the fizzle is going on up in hizzle my nizzle?" Booker yelled.

"For rizzle!" Batista said, backing up.

Sharmell and Ken looked at each other. "Oh shizzle!" they exclaimed together.

"I'm not gon' get mad, I'm not gon' get mad, I'm not gon' get mad," Booker repeated over and over to himself. "SOMEBODY GIVE ME THE DAMN BLUNT!"

"Here ya go, _ese_," Eddie said, quickly handing Booker the blunt.

Booker closed his eyes and puffed on the blunt. Sharmel and Ken quickly moved away from each other to opposite sides of the room. Booker opened his eyes and a wavering smiled appeared on his face. "That didn't just happen."

"Um, Ken, where's Heiden-roach?" Christian asked quickly.

"That's KEN Kennedy! _Kennedy_!" Ken said. "You can't forget that. You must _always_ say it twice."

"Er, ok. Where's Heiden-roach?" Christian asked again.

"He's gone to take a shower," Ken said. "So that's where you should find him, in the _big _locker room with the _big_ shower."

"And by any chance, have you seen Randy Orton?" Taker asked.

"I think he's gone to take a shower, too," Ken said. "Why?"

"This is perfect! This is what we've been waiting for! Come on, guys, let's go!" Booker exclaimed, heading for the door.

"Aren't you gonna yell at your wife or something?" Eddie asked. "I mean, she _was_ just getting spanked by Ken Kennedy."

"_Kennedy_!" Ken added. "You _have_ to say it _twice_!"

Booker gazed at his wife and at Ken. "Continue," he said, then led the others in his group out into the hallway.

"What? They don't get an invitation into our little stoner's crew?" Christian asked.

"Yeah, no offering of The Peace Pipe?" Batista asked.

"Hell naw," Booker said. "Let's swoop by my locker room and grab the camcorder. We got ourselves a movie to film!"

They all cheered and hurried to Booker's locker room. He went inside and grabbed the camcorder, and then the six men practically ran for the shower where Ken Kennedy had said that they would find Heiden-roach...


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**A/N: Thanks for reviewing, everyone! This chapter is kind of gross... But really, when you throw _these_ two "divas" into the plot, what do you expect?**

Booker, Christian, Batista, JBL, Taker, and Eddie walked down the hall on the way to find Randy Orton and Heiden-roach.

"We've been searching far and wide!" Booker sang.

"So we can make Randy a bride!" Taker sang.

"Heiden-roach, he's our man!" Christian sang.

"If anyone can do it, Heiden-roach can!" Eddie sang.

"Come on, Batista, take my haaand..." JBL winked at Batista and held his hand out.

"Dude, I don't know where that hand has been and I like women, _not_ men," Batista said, rolling his eyes. "So get that through your thick skull."

"Can..."

"...you..."

"...prove..."

"...it?"

JBL pursed his lips. "Baby?" he added, trying to provoke Batista.

It worked. "I'm going to kiss the next woman I see, no matter _who_ she is!" Batista promised. "That'll show you _all_ what my sexual preference is!"

"You shouldn't have made that promise, _ese_," Eddie said, grimacing at something that seemed to be behind Batista.

"But you can't back down now," Taker said, taking a puff on the blunt, which seemed to be everlasting. "Because then you'd be less than a man."

"What are you guys _talking_ about?" Batista asked, confused.

"Turn around and take a look for yourself," Christian said with a shudder. "Ugh. I mean, this is just sick. _Sick!_"

Batista turned around and his eyes widened when he saw The Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young standing behind him with their hands on their hips, sizing him up. "Oh, God, no," he whispered, shaking his head in horror. "No. Now that would just be _wrong_ on so many levels."

"You _did_ say you'd kiss the next woman you saw no matter who she would be," Booker said, patting Batista on the back and pushing him slightly towards the women. "Think about it, dawg. Now you got two women to choose from, _two_."

"If you don't do it then I'll just assume that you and I are two of a kind," JBL said. "And then we'll have some _real_ fun together, just me and you."

"Never." Batista swore softly and grabbed the blunt from Taker's hand. He took a loooong drag from it, closing his eyes to get the full effect. About two minutes later, he was a new man. He opened his glazed eyes, grinned, and stuck the blunt into Taker's mouth. Then he turned to look at the old women and smiled suggestively.

"He's really going to do it?" Taker asked, nearly dropping the blunt.

"That..." Booker began.

"...is _so_..." Eddie continued.

"..._fucking_..." JBL went on.

"...sick!" Christian finished.

"Hey ladies, how's it going today?" Batista asked the two old divas, ignoring what his companions had said.

"It's going wonderful, Mr. Champion," Moolah said. She elbowed Mae.

"You are sexy! I could ride you _all night long!_" Mae said to Batista, and she immediately started groping him.

"Fucking sick," Christian said again, retching.

"Mae! Don't _do_ that!' Moolah admonished. "I swear, I can never take you _anywhere_!"

"It's ok," Batista said with a lazy smile. He was feeling so high right now, and he had resolved to make good on his promise... He grabbed Mae and lifted her up to his height.

Mae wrapped her arms around his neck and also wrapped her legs around his waist. "You want me to lay one on you, big guy?" she asked.

"Maybe... Nah, I think _I_ want to lay one on _you_," Batista said, and then he fused his mouth to hers and kissed her deeply.

"Oh! Gah! That's just nasty!" JBL exclaimed.

Taker looked at the display with wide eyes. "I think I'm going to be sick!"

"Me, too. Quick, give _me_ that damn blunt!" Moolah demanded, snatching it. She puffed on it as she watched them kissing, shaking her head disapprovingly.

Batista broke the kiss and slowly pulled away from Mae. A trail of saliva connected their lips. She licked his lip, and it was at that moment that the momentary high he had received from the blunt went away. He put her down and turned away from her, immediately starting to throw up.

"That was good. How about we go for another round?" Mae asked, licking her lips as she watched Batista puke. "Come on, Animal, I can _really_ make you scream... I'd ride you like a pony!"

"Aw, I just visualized that. Wrinkled skin, sagging tits, floppy butt cheeks, a ratty carpet, dentures..." Christian turned green and gagged. "Seriously uncool. I just threw up a little in my mouth."

"Ooh, yummy, did you swallow it?" Mae asked. "And did it burn?"

"Yo, Grandma, that just ain't cool," Booker said.

Mae turned to look at him. "Now I would be offended if anybody else called me Grandma, but you're a nice lookin' fella," she said. "I could really work you. I'd have you pulling out your hair."

"She didn't just say that," Booker said, a look of disgust on his face. "_Tell_ me she did _not_ just say that!"

"She said it," JBL said. "And I think she meant it."

"Enough." Moolah gave Booker the blunt so he could calm down, then grabbed Mae's arm. "Come on, you horny old coot," she said. "You're embarrassing yourself, coming on to these young men like this."

"You let me go! Us old ladies have sexual needs, too!" Mae exclaimed. "I need a _young_ man to keep up with an old _pro_ like myself!"

"You mean an old _ho_ like yourself," Moolah muttered, leading Mae away down the hall.

Eddie, who had been mainly silent during the whole fiasco, had a brilliant idea all of a sudden. "_Amigos_, I have been _inspired_. I have an idea," he said as he watched the two old women slowly shuffling away down the hall.

"Like, what?" JBL asked absently, watching and admiring Batista's butt as he bent over.

"Like I know something, _someone_, worse than Heiden-roach who, if they got their hands on Randy Orton, would scar him for _life_," Eddie said excitedly. All eyes were on him within seconds, all puking being suspended because the idea of being able to torture Randy Orton for life was _so_ appealing.

"What do you suggest?" Christian asked. "Who could be better than Heiden-roach?"

"All we have to do is set Mae Young loose on Randy," Eddie said, smirking.

They all looked at each other. Devilish smiles appeared on their faces, and for an instant, their was an identical evil gleam in each one of their eyes.

"Oh _Mae!_" JBL called. The two women turned around, and the men jogged over to them. "We need a favor."

"What's in it for me?" Mae asked irritably. She had just received a short lecture from Moolah on the _proper_ way she should conduct herself around young men, and it hadn't been a pleasant experience for her.

"You get some young, fresh meat," Christian said. "And I'm not talking about the kind you can by at the meat market, if you catch my drift."

"Whose meat is it?" Mae asked, getting excitedly.

"That of Randy Orton, the self-proclaimed 'Legend Killer'," Taker spat, with a look on his face that would make one think that just the name "Randy Orton" tasted nasty.

"He can't _handle_ this legend!" Mae said, grinning. "I'm going to be the Legend Killer's killer... Where is he?"

"Right this way..."

So Booker, Christian, Batista, JBL, Taker, Eddie, Mae Young, and The Fabulous Moolah all headed for the shower where Ken Kennedy (_Kennedy!_) had previously said Randy Orton would be.

Periodically, Batista paused to puke a little near the side of the wall. His high had worn off and the kiss with Mae Young had left him physically ill.

_Well this is the pits_, Batista thought as he leaned against the wall and puked for the fourth time since he had kissed Mae. Everyone else kept walking except for JBL, but Batista didn't notice. _I hope I don't throw up again after this... I think my intestines are going to come out my mouth!_

"You ok, baby?" JBL asked, gently stroking the muscles in Batista's lower back.

_What the hell is he doing? I'll show him... Told his ass there'd be serious consequences if he kept touching me_, Batista thought. He stood up straight, wiped his mouth, and smiled. JBL smiled back. Batista reached up and took JBL's hat off.

"This is a very nice hat," Batista commented.

"Why, thank you," JBL said.

Batista leaned over the hat and threw up inside of it as JBL looked on in disbelief. Then he put the hat back on top of JBL's head.

"What the hell?" JBL asked angrily as puke dripped from his hair and down his face in little rivulets.

Batista grinned. "Oops," he said, not sounding apologetic in the least. He memorized the look of his puke on JBL, then laughed and jogged away to catch up with the others. He felt better than he had in a long, long time...

**A/N: Ok, this was a pretty weird chapter, right? I think I'm going to do one more chapter and then the story will be done. But who knows when my "stoned" muse will return? It came to me today in my Economics Honors class and I was like, "Wow." LOL. Review! Thanks!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**A/N: Just so there's no confusion here (besides the confusion I intend to cause) here are the people on their way to the shower: Eddie Guerrero, Taker, Booker T, Christian, Batista, JBL, The Fabulous Moolah, and Mae Young. I know that, sadly, Eddie is no longer with us, but I don't want Latino Heat to die. His memory will live on, and so I'm keeping him in this story. Now that we have _that_ established...on with the pain! I mean, the story...**

"We don't need Heiden-roach to do Randy's butt!" Christian sang.

"Cuz Mae Young is ready to be a big old slut!" Booker sang.

"We're about to put Randy in the danger zone!" JBL sang.

"He'll be in danger when Mae is riding his bone!" Taker sang.

"Yes, I'll kill the Legend Killer. I'll kill him dead, you know!" Mae sang.

"But only because you're a cock-loving ho!" Moolah sang.

"Oh. Geez," Batista said, scrunching up his nose. His "passionate" kiss with Mae was still fresh in his memory. He could still taste the horrible taste of her tongue. It was kind of a mixture between rotten fish, sour cabbage, and _Skittles_. _Taste the rainbow my ASS_, he thought. He knew he would never eat Skittles again.

"Batista, _amigo_, you ok?" Eddie asked, observing Batista's face. "You're looking a little _green, ese_. You sick?"

"The Animal's sick? I can make it _allllll_ better," Mae said suggestively, turning to look at Batista, whose eyes were wide with sheer horror. "Come here and let Mama Mae _give it to you_."

"Ah, fuck! JBL, I need your hat!" Batista said, cheeks suddenly bulging. JBL, hair and face already covered with drying puke, shook his head sadly and handed Batista the hat. Batista puked his heart and soul out, then handed the hat back to JBL, who then put it back on his head.

"That's just awesomely uncool, dude," Christian chided as JBL let the pike run down his face. "I mean, _seriously_."

"Shut the hell up, Christian, and lead us to the shower already," JBL griped. "I want this little adventure _done_ already."

"Hush your mouth, Puke Boy," Taker said, glaring at him. He took a puff off the blunt and a wavering smile appeared on his face. It quickly disappeared, however, when Moolah snatched the blunt from him.

"Yeah, shut up _Puke Boy_," Moolah said to JBL, puffing on the blunt. "You are _so_ shootin' the atmosphere to H-E-double L, dude!" She looked at Christian. "Did I say it right? Did I sound cool? Did I? Did I?"

"You sounded off the chizzle, my nizzle, for _rizzle_," Booker said approvingly. "But we're here now."

They all came to a stop in front of the men's locker room. They looked at each other, grinning deviously.

"Mae, you _may_ do the honors," Christian said happily, opening the door to the locker room.

"Why, thank you, sexy boy," Mae said, twirling her tongue around in a suggestive manner as she looked at him. "Me and you could have some real fun after I do Randy..."

"Uh, no thanks," Christian said, turning pale. "I'm sure someone else would love to get with you, though."

"What? Afraid you can't handle me?" Mae asked, doing a little dance in front of him. "I could rock your boat, Captain Charisma!"

"You can't, because, uh..." Christian paused, looking for a good reason. His eyes rested on JBL, and he smiled slightly before looking back at Mae. "You can't, because I'm one hundred percent gay. I'm a homosexual."

"I can make you bisexual," Mae offered happily. "Me and you, after I finish with Randy..."

"No, I think he'd prefer _me_," JBL said proudly, coming over to put his arm around Christian's shoulder. "We have so much in common. We're both... Well, you get the picture."

"I'm not really gay, you stupid ass!" Christian exclaimed in a loud whisper. "So get your damn arm from around me before I hit the Unprettier on you."

"How about we just get on with this?" Taker asked impatiently. "And Moolah, can you _please_ pass the blunt?"

"Geez, Deadman, don't get your thong in a bunch!" Moolah snapped, passing him the everlasting blunt.

"I'm going in," Mae said suddenly, and she stepped into the men's locker room. Booker T followed close behind with his camcorder, and everyone else followed behind silently. Mae walked toward the showers with a purpose in her step...or maybe it was a limp. Either way, she got there, and there they were, both Randy Orton and Heiden-roach, taking a shower...together.

"Here, let me wash your back," Randy said softly, walking closer to Heiden-roach. He held a washcloth and a bar of soap in his hand, and he was grinning deviously.

"Uh, no thanks," Heiden-roach said, shaking his head. "Don't take another step. I don't need you to wash my back."

Randy frowned a minute, then got a marvelous idea. He dropped the soap. "Well lookie here at what I just did," he said to the other man. "I just dropped the soap... Watch me pick it up..."

Heiden-roach rolled his eyes as Randy bent down, tooting his butt up in the air and grinning back at him. He looked around and saw Mae standing there observing them, and his mouth dropped open as he noticed the others with her. "Would someone mind telling me what the hell is going on here?" he asked, hurriedly stepping out of the shower.

"Randy is a little bitch, so we brought Mae here to rape him," Christian explained.

"Yeah, and we're going to film it and name the movie _One Night In Randy's Fanny_," Booker said, grinning evilly. "Fo shizzle!"

"You know that name's not gonna work anymore, right?" Taker asked. "I mean, Mae's not gonna be _in_ him. He's gonna be _in_ her!"

"Actually, she very well _could_ be in him," Moolah spoke up. "None of you know it, but Mae has _both_."

"What are you talking about? That's impossible!" JBL exclaimed. "She can't have both!"

Moolah sighed impatiently. "Mae, could you please show them and get this over with?"

"I'd be happy to," Mae said obligingly, turning her back to them. She slowly began taking her clothes off, performing a little strip tease for the people around her. When she was completely naked, she turned back around to face them.

"Holy shit!" Taker exclaimed, eyes wide. "What the fuck is that?"

"She has a penis..._and_ a vagina! And a Chia pet, too!" Eddie said in a horrified whisper, pointing. "This is some freaky ass shit!"

"Told ya," Moolah said smugly. "Now Mae, we had a goal here. See that young boy in the shower? He's your next victim, so go get him!"

"Will do!" Mae said, saluting. Actually, different parts of her were saluting as well... She turned around and stepped into the shower. "Ooh, that's a very nice view of your ass," she called to Randy.

Randy stood up and turned to face her. "W-what are you d-doing in here?" he asked nervously, backing up as she advanced upon him.

"I'm here to barbecue your meat in my internal grill," Mae said simply, and then she charged at him.

"Nooooo!" Randy yelled, and he turned and started to run. He didn't get very far, though, before he tripped on a bar of soap, the very same bar of soap that he had dropped earlier. He landed on his stomach, and then he rolled over onto his back and laid there, grimacing, as she came closer. "No," he screamed. "You have _both!_ And you're too hairy, like some kind of human Chia pet!"

"Well, I _do_ use the special formula they use to make Chia pets," Mae admitted, straddling him. "I think it's kind of sexy how my hair grows like Marge Simpson's hair."

"But her hair is on her head! Yours is down..._there!_" Randy exclaimed. He screamed again as she sat down on him, and then he promptly passed out.

The others watched on in fascinated silence as Mae made good on her word of "killing" The Legend Killer. Booker came closer with the camcorder, making sure to get some disgusting close-ups of the action.

"It's just like I imagined it would be," Christian said in horror. "Wrinkled skin, sagging tits, floppy butt cheeks, a ratty carpet, dentures... But I never thought she'd be growing a Chia pet in her groin!"

"And I bet you never thought she'd have a penis, either," Taker said. "I know I sure as hell didn't!"

"This is just wrong, _ese_," Eddie said, shaking his head. "Can someone please pass me the blunt?" Christian handed him the blunt, and he grinned that Eddie smile. "_Gracias_."

"Hey Mae!" JBL called to the old woman, who was still on top of Randy. She turned to look at him and stuck her tongue out at him, but he ignored the gesture. "When you're done with him, be sure to pass the ass!"

"Gladly," Mae said, then went back to her current task...

About an hour later, Mae stood up from off of Randy. She stretched a little, then squatted a bit and farted. "Oops," she said, giggling, and then she walked over to the others. "Now who's next in line?" She turned to Batista. "How about you, Animal?"

"Oh hell!" Batista exclaimed. He put his hands over his mouth and ran in the opposite direction as the puke spewed out.

"You?" Mae asked, looking at Eddie.

"Hell no, _puta_," Eddie said, calling her a prostitute in Spanish. He turned and ran behind his friend and _away_ from Mae. "Batista, _amigo_, I'm right behind you!"

"You were next anyway," Mae pointed out, looking at Christian.

"Fuck that! I need the blunt! Eddie!" Christian ran away, following Eddie, who still had the blunt.

Pretty soon, everyone was gone except for Booker, JBL, Moolah, Mae, and a still-passed out Randy.

"Come on, you old heiffer. It's obvious that none of them want you anymore," Moolah said, handing Mae her clothes.

"You're right. My work here is done," Mae agreed, slowly getting dressed. When she was fully dressed, she turned to Booker. "If you ever need an old whore to screw somebody as a form of revenge..."

"I'll be sure to call you first," Booker said, looking at her through the camcorder. "Thanks for your help."

"No problem," Mae said. "You just make sure you let The Legend Killer know that his cock is gonna fall off. I barbecued it...literally." She grinned happily, and then she and Moolah shuffled away, cackling like old hens.

"Whoa, what the hell just happened?" Randy asked, sitting up from the floor in the shower. "I had the craziest dream that I had sex with Mae Young."

"It wasn't a dream," JBL said, stripping out of his clothes. "She sat on top of you and you passed out."

Randy looked down at his groin in dismay. "Oh crap, my cock is shriveled up now! It's burnt black!"

"And it's going to fall off soon," Booker informed him with a laugh. He got a close-up shot of the look of sheer horror on Randy's face, and then he turned the camcorder off. "I'm done here." He laughed and walked away, singing Fozzy's _It's A Lie_. "I ain't takin' this shit no mo..."

"How does it feel knowing that you'll be cock-less in a few minutes?" JBL asked, totally naked now.

"It's not like I used it much anyway," Randy said with a shrug. He looked up at JBL. "What are you doing?"

"Mae promised to pass the ass when she was done," JBL said, pulling Randy to his feet and pushing him against the tiles. "Do you have any...problems with that?"

"Actually, no," Randy said, grinning. "Let's do it!"

**A/N: And that's the end to this crazy story! I didn't know how to end it but it's done now (I think)...**


End file.
